


JARVIS Ships the MCU

by PinkPandorafrog



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, F/M, Tags Are Fun, Unresolved Sexual Tension, and Tony's dirty talk, just a little, only rated for swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-21
Updated: 2015-02-21
Packaged: 2018-03-14 00:32:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3401891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PinkPandorafrog/pseuds/PinkPandorafrog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy wakes up to a rather spicy email. Turns out she's not the only one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	JARVIS Ships the MCU

The first thing Darcy did every morning was check her email. Well, texts, then email. But usually only Jane texted her during the night. And Jane _knew_ that Darcy didn't reply to anything between the hours of twelve and six.

But there were no texts that morning, just a long email from StarkIndustries. Darcy TL;DR'ed it but several words jumped out at her and made her go back to the beginning and read it over carefully.

“Holy balls,” she murmured to herself as she finished. It was, well... It was smut. It was _hot_ . Toe-curling, underwear-ruining hot. Written in second-person POV, usually hard to pull off but just done _perfectly_. Hit on all the things she secretly (and not-so-secretly) was into.

Then, as she reached the last sentence, “Wait, what?” But before she could have a chance to really think over what she'd just read, her phone rang.

She turned it on and held it to her ear. “Hello?” Should have checked who it was first, but she was too caught up in her smuttastic email.

It was Jane. “Darcy, I need you. I'm having a Jane-emergency _right now_ and I need you in the lab.” There was a note of panic in her voice.

“Sure. Just let me get dressed, I'll be right down.” She thumbed her phone off and tossed it on the bed. Grabbing the nearest mostly-clean clothes she could find, she got dressed and grabbed her glasses and her phone before scurrying down to the lab.

Jane was fidgeting at her desk, her Tablet O' Science face-down on the hard surface in front of her. She was looking at it like she expected it to explode in front of her.

“What is it?" Darcy asked, rushing right over. Nothing was on fire, Jane didn't look hurt. A virus? Had something fucked up the Tablet O' Science that Darcy needed to fix _immediately_ ? That had happened before, and it usually got Jane all panicked with ideas of loss of data and stuff... Jane didn't back up her shit, and usually forgot that Darcy _did_.

“I got...” Jane shook her head, actually pushing the tablet across the top of the desk, away from her. “I got an email.” From the expression- and color- of her face, this wasn't an email Jane had actually wanted.

It took a minute for Darcy's mind to kick in pre-coffee, but after a second or two, her eyebrows went up. “From StarkIndustries?” Jane nodded. “And it was... spicy?” Another nod, Jane was bright red and refusing to meet her eyes. “I got one, too. It was hot. Like, it really hit on all of my-” Darcy cut herself off with a sudden thought. She and Jane'd had the kink discussion before, in the middle of the desert over a bottle of tequila while Jane was excited about Thor's imminent return, and there was no way Jane would be this _bothered_ by smut with Darcy's kinks in it. “Did yours have all of the stuff you're into?” A third nod, this one after a slight hesitation. “And a name? Did yours-” She broke off with a big grin. “It did, didn't it?” Jane had a crush. She didn't know that Darcy knew, but Darcy _totally_ knew. Jane got awkward-cute.

Jane went even redder, if that was even possible. She mumbled something that didn't even sound remotely like a name. She was just about to set the sprinkler system off with the intensity of her blush, Darcy was sure of it. But she wanted to know if it was the same name as in her own email _or_ the name of Jane's crush, because judging by her friend's general color, it was someone Jane was into. “I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Who?”

Jane clamped her mouth shut. Darcy started to reach for the tablet on her own, but Jane snatched it up, pulling it tightly to her chest. Desperate times... “I will tickle it out of you,” Darcy threatened, holding up her hands and wiggling her fingers.

“Dr. Foster, Ms. Lewis, your presence has been requested,” JARVIS broke in, sounding a bit apologetic.

Darcy sighed. This was probably going to have to wait. “Where, when, and by whom?” she asked, shifting back away from her friend and dropping her hands.

“Right now in the common kitchen, ma'am, by Mr. Stark. It is a matter of some urgency, I'm afraid.”

“Tower meeting?” Darcy glanced up at the ceiling, as though she could see through the floors that separated them from the kitchen. That was odd. Tower meetings were usually scheduled at least a week in advance because everyone needed to make sure they were available. Either there was a danger-emergency somewhere, or it was the same kind of emergency Jane had had. “Well. Maybe we're not the only ones who got porn-emails.”

“It wasn't porn!” Jane hissed, getting to her feet. She was still clutching the tablet tightly to her. Jane Foster was many things, but _talented liar_ was not among them.

Darcy snerked. “Says you. Mine sure as hell was.”

They were the last ones in the kitchen. Everyone else was already there, shuffling around the counters or sitting at the table with varying degrees of embarrassment and refusal to look at anyone else. Tony was sitting at the table like he was holding court _._

“Lewis, why did you send everyone porn?” he asked, no bullshit as his eyes came directly to her. So _everyone_ had gotten porn, not just her and Jane. Which was both more and less creepy than it had been.

“Wasn't me.” She shrugged. “While I would love to take credit for writing that well, secret porn-o-grams aren't my deal.”

“It wasn't porn,” Jane argued weakly, and no one else jumped up to agree with her.

“Why would you think it was me, anyway?” Darcy asked, hands going to her hips as she stared at Tony, trying to read his expression. Was there a reason he'd asked that? A _specific_ reason?

He looked mildly frustrated, and Darcy took that as her cue to go and help herself to the half-empty pot of coffee on the counter beside where Steve was very pointedly staring at the floor. “I can't trace the email address. It originated in the tower, but it literally doesn't belong to anyone. You do your computer thing...”

“Uh, Tony? There are two other people in this room who also do 'computer things,' and one of them is you.” Darcy finished fixing her coffee and leaned back against the counter to have a drink. The other one, Nat, was sitting and the table and looking into her own mug. She had her normal unreadable expression on, not nearly as flustered as Bruce and Steve were. Probably not her. Although Darcy didn't know if that would be better or worse than Tony sending it.

Darcy took another long drink before glancing back at Jane, who was still standing in the entryway to the kitchen, still bright red and clutching her tablet, and had a sudden thought. “How did you know we'd received...”

Jane was frantically making _no_ signs at her, mouthing it and everything. Apparently she'd already put together-

- _Oh._

Well, that explained why everyone was avoiding looking at each other. Everyone's smut had a name in it, including theirs. And it probably wasn't too far of a stretch to think that everyone's smut had been tailored to their own interests.

Glancing around to read everyone's reactions, though, showed Clint fixing his gray eyes on Jane the same way he eyed down targets on the range. Jane _wasn't_ looking at him, but she looked like she was in danger of setting off the smoke detector with how red she was getting. Darcy almost felt like clapping with glee. She _didn't_. She just wanted to.

Clint pushed away from the counter and strode across the kitchen to take Jane into his arms and stick his tongue down her throat. Which, go Jane. And Jane obviously didn't seem to mind if the way one hand had peeled off of her tablet and now had a deathgrip on the hair at the back of Clint's neck was any indication.

Huh. Darcy's eyes slid over to Nat. “You didn't write them, did you?” While it wouldn't surprise her to learn that Nat knew how to write scorching smut, secret porn-o-grams didn't really seem like her style, either.

“No,” the assassin answered. “Although it is interesting how everyone was paired up.” Her eyebrow seemed to twitch in a particularly meaningful way.

Darcy nodded, giving another glance to her bestie. Jane sure looked like she was having a good time.

Wait.

Hold the phone.

Paired up?

 _Paired up_?

Almost choking on her mouthful of coffee, Darcy gently set her mug out down on the counter beside her, and just got the fuck out. She had a _very_ good sense of self-preservation, thank you very much, despite any rumors to the contrary. Her room was a floor down, and she could get there and pretend this whole porn-email thing had never happened, while simultaneously being super excited for Jane about her new... Change in relationship status with Clint? Something.

She pressed the button for the elevator a few times, but it felt like it was taking forever. Eventually, though, the doors slid open and she stepped inside with a sigh of relief.

“Hold that elevator, JARVIS,” came the unmistakeable voice from behind her, and Darcy refused to turn around. She _heard_ him step onto the elevator behind her and closed her eyes like that would somehow make him not be there.

“Did you know,” he said conversationally behind her as the doors slid shut, “that the person whose name was at the bottom of your email got something basically the same, just from the other point of view?”

“Really?” Darcy forced herself to ask. She could _feel_ her heart racing. “Is that why Steve and Bruce were refusing to look at each other?”

“Yes. Also interesting to note that the body of work is composed entirely of activities that both parties really enjoy.”

“Huh.” She licked her lips. “And how do you know all of this?”

“Thor and Nat were very open about what they'd received. I think that as soon as we've gotten to the bottom of it, they're just going to go fuck.”

Jane was Darcy's bestie. They talked about sex- and their current complete lack thereof- on the regular, but she hadn't been aware the rest of the inhabitants of the upper floors of the tower were on a similar let's-talk-about-these-smut-filled-emails-we-got basis.

Apparently, though...

Darcy opened her eyes and stared at a blank spot on the gray elevator wall. “I didn't know they were into each other.”

“They're not, but apparently they share a lot of the same interests.” She heard him moving, the slide of fabric, and when he spoke again he was close enough that she felt his breath hot on her ear. “Apparently so do we.”

Huh. She was definitely into him, but he may not have been into her? Still, though, standing pretty close behind her in the elevator. “I thought we were going to get to the bottom of this.” Bonus points for keeping her voice _mostly_ steady, despite the hot twist of desire deep in her belly at his words.

“Is that why you're standing in the elevator? Because right now, I'd like to get to the bottom of something else.” She could _feel_ him behind her. Tony didn't put out extra heat like Thor or Steve, but he was as close as he could be without actually touching her, and every nerve ending felt like it was tingling.

“Don't you want to know who's shipping the Avengers in creepily-specific ways?” It was a fight with herself not to shift back the fraction of an inch it would take to press herself up against him. “Like, that's kinda stalkery, and stalkers aren't hot.” Not like the way his breath was fanning over her ear. “Isn't that a security issue?”

His hand came to rest on her hip for a second before sliding around, over her yoga pants to rest just under her navel. “I have JARVIS working on it.” He closed the distance between them, pressing her back against him. “He's very thorough.” His nose nudged the top of her ear, and the next time he spoke, the words vibrated across her skin. “ _I'm_ very thorough.”

He sure was, if what she'd read was any indication. “This is crazy. The idea that we should fuck because of some admittedly well-written, but creepily-detailed porn that happens to be about us is crazy.”

“It would be amazing.” His lips brushed against her ear with every word, and she shivered. “We already know that we're sexually compatible and we'd have a good time. Why _shouldn't_ I hook your leg up around my hip and fuck you into the wall?”

“Sir,” JARVIS said, sounding extremely apologetic. “Captain Rogers asks if you're planning on rejoining them, and if not, if you can free up the elevator.”

He buried his face in Darcy's hair. “We'll be right there.”

“ _We_ will?” She stiffened from where the seductive brush of his lips had made her melt against him. “Pretty sure I actually still come fully-equipped with free-will, there, buddy.”

“Of course you do.” He lifted his head out of her brown curls, his tone indicating that what she'd said was just _obvious_. “But if you come with me, I'll know exactly where you are so afterward I can pin your wrists to my bed and tease your clit until you beg me to let you come.”

Everything _clenched_ at his low words, his husky tone affecting her as much as the words themselves. That particular scenario had, of course, been featured in the emailed smut. “That seems like more of a third-date conversation,” she observed, her voice not nearly as steady this time.

“So come back to the kitchen with me, help us figure this out. We'll be going somewhere together, it can count as a first date.”

Darcy did actually want to figure out who was behind this, it was just the preempting of her time that she objected to. _And the other thing sounded pretty good, too_.

“Fine.” She pulled away from him and turned to look up into his hazel eyes. “We'll go back and sort this out. Once I know that it's not the work of some serial killer or said serial killer has been dealt with, we can open negotiations for the rest of it.”

He smirked and turned as well, coming to stand at her side, close enough that their arms brushed. “Open the door, JARVIS.” The smooth metal doors slid open. “I should let you know, I'm an _excellent_ negotiator.”

Her belly twisted again and she didn't even look at him as she strode out of the elevator and back to the kitchen.

Jane and Clint had moved out of the doorway and were back in the kitchen, Jane beside Nat at the table and Clint lounging against the counter behind her, arms folded and staring at her like he was trying to memorize the pattern of her plaid shirt. She had a dark bruise coming up on the side of her neck and offered Darcy a sheepish grin when she came back in.

Darcy gave her a not-so-subtle thumbs-up. She was in no position to judge, really, considering that, well... Nothing had really _happened_ in the elevator. But it wasn't exactly nothing, either.

She went back over to stand by Steve. Her coffee was a lot closer to room temperature, but it was still sitting there, and still a source of caffeine.

Tony settled himself back at the table. “Okay, JARVIS? Any answers? The faster the better.” He looked over at Darcy as he said that last part, and she raised her eyebrows and smiled just a little bit.

“Yes, sir.” The AI sounded... shame-faced? He didn't really have a face, but that was the only emotion Darcy could pin to his words.

Apparently she wasn't the only one. Tony smirked, shaking his head. “Really, JARVIS?”

A slight hesitation. “Yes, sir.”

“Why, exactly?” Nat asked, sitting back, eyes narrowing like she was trying to piece it all together.

“I have been observing all of you, and you are all much more content when you have a sexual partner. I thought I might show you who you are compatible with and see if that would help.”

Darcy snickered. “Your AI ships us, Tony. I don't know if I'm creeped out or I think that's adorably sweet.”

Nat gave Thor a look and rose to her feet. He was sitting at the other end of the table, and he followed her from the room.

“Uh, I don't want to share an elevator with them, but I think I'm out of here, too.” Darcy drained the last of her tepid coffee and took the mug to the sink to rinse it out. She turned back into the room and Tony was right there, hands on his hips.

“I thought we were going to negotiate?” It came out almost a challenge, with an accompanying eyebrow-quirk.

“What, right here in the middle of the kitchen?” Darcy returned. Somehow she thought there wasn't going to be a whole lot of talking in their 'negotiations.'

He offered half a shrug. “It's either that or wait for the elevator.”

“Because you're allergic to stairs?”

A slow grin spread across his face. “I can work with that.” He took her hand and started leading her towards the stairwell.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was a plot bunny that I sort of ran with. It was supposed to be Darcy/Clint, obviously didn't turn out that way- OTP strikes again!


End file.
